Hour 15: Amy Carter the First Daughter Is Not

The First Daughter Olivia Taylor is a BEE-YATCH!

...and I called her that several times. Alone. In my apartment. Yelling at the TV.

Doesn't she seem just fine in spite of sitting in a very uncomfortable White House staff meeting just a few hours ago...

...only to turn around and get Ethan Kanin to resign AND soil his good name! The actress' name is Sprague Grayden, which sounds vaguely like an award-winning strain of vegetable...

...as in "Do you like my casserole? I used Sprague Grayden asparagus, right out of my heirloom vegetable patch."

Speaking of the First Family, did anyone think the First Gentleman was just gonna keel over and die during his phone conversation with the Prez?

I'm not convinced he's through the woods, yet...THE STARK WOODS! ACK!

Once more, another great episode! Isn't Jon Voigt a supremely evil villain?

Here we see him outside the gates of Hell, his satanic eyes glowing red briefly as he recruits three impish demons to disguise themselves as harmless tweeners and infiltrate the upcoming White House Easter Egg Hunt.

Loved his line about political assassination becoming a growth market. Very over the top. Now if he does, in fact, get into assassinations and/or kidnappings on a regular basis, wonder if he'd take a look at my list of requests?









...and this one if you get around to it.

...Oh, and anyone doing this.

Plus, the person responsible for this...

...and this:

Oh, and this.

Well, Woody Walker gives up Jack's secrets...

...perhaps in an attempt to launch herself more readily into the strong, loving, I'll-stab-you-in-the-eardrum-for-America's-freedom arms of Jack...

...and Ann-Margret, for some odd reason.

Once again, Jack sacrifices himself for the freedom of America, this time by turning himself into a little glowworm.

Thanks to the Glasses for pointing out that Jack continues to do things very unJackishly. First, he gives in to Taylor's orders to let her out of the presidential panic room...

...just because he had to stop at the ATM.

Then he ignores Tony's advice not to risk hundreds of peole's lives by saving the singular Carl.

To Tony's credit, does Carl really know what he's getting into?! Maybe Carl should think twice before rushing home to the wife and impending twins.

In fact, how do we know exactly where Carl rushed off to?

Finally, Jack does a couple of other unJackishly things by parking that dang radioactive semi out in the open...

...and sticking his face right into the cloud of radioactive mist like he was at the perfume counter at Dillard's.

He didn't think Starkwood would be on the lookout for it?! Then again, it's not like he could think fast and pull into a Beer Barn while the evil henchmen run stupidly by.

Next week, Jack contemplates his future as the bulb for a lighthouse.

C,mon, Jack, do you not realize that if you're FLUORESCENT, it's pretty near impossible to do ANYTHING covert, including going back for that fatty chocolate pie at the FBI commissary:

He looks like a radioactive piñata. Dude, put on a jock strap!

Hour 14: Larry Moss Should Be the New Head of FEMA

Well, I was out of town last week, so I didn't get to see the episode until Sunday, 3/22.

I have to say, I'm running out of interjections. Where's Schoolhouse Rock when you need it?


Let's try this one:


...and this one:


Larry Moss is the most incompetent boob on television.


Okay, ALMOST the most incompetent.


You can almost feel Larry being overwhelmed by his own ineptitude.


What kind of idiot automatically assumes the worst when given tons of contradictory evidence? Government rube Larry Moss, that's who! Give it a little time. Things are going to disintegrate to the point where Larry either gets offed as a result of his sad decision-making skills, or fired and forced into another career.


(Hmm. Apparently as a hairdresser or occupational therapist.)

Wasn't Hodges threatening and maniacally diabolical in this one?


Here we see him trying on disguises for when his henchmen spirit him away in the dead of night to his bunker in the Hollywood hills:


(Pope costume purchased cheap at Wal-Mart, early November)


(the "Keith Urban in Beard" getup, along with his aide Seaton dressed as Jennifer Beals from "Flashdance")

Well, Senator Mayer comes around and becomes Jack's ally.


The scenes at Mayer's house featured some of the best dialogue of the season:

"If I wanted to kill you, Senator, you'd be dead already. Now, take a seat!"

"Every day I regret looking into the eyes of men, women, and children knowing that any moment, their lives might be deemed expendable in an effort to protect the greater good."

"You know what I regret the most? Is that this world even needs people like me."

Mayer: "How can we presume to lead the world unless we set an example?"
Jack: "You make it sound so simple."
Mayer: "Well, maybe it's simpler than you think."

Mayer: "It's time for you start trusting the institutions that you've sacrificed so much to protect."
Jack: "Trust isn't my greatest asset."
Mayer: "Son, you have to start somewhere."

"And son, why don't we start trusting our government with my taking several bullets to the chest in the worst pizza delivery EVER!"


Well, all I could say then was "HOLY COW!"


I was truly shocked.

The final confrontation between Quinn and Jack was some of the best TV smackdown I've seen in a while. Not too many TV fights include using a bulldozer to tip over a trailer, a trailer-top gymnastics routine that sends the combatants tumbling onto the top of a car, hand-to-hand martial-arts combat with a tire iron and a screwdriver, and a screwdriver-throwing act that culminates with the rakish mercenary assistant getting impaled on said screwdriver.


That is, unless you're watching this...



...this...



...or this:

Of course, once again Jack becomes, well, you know, a moving target, the proverbial...


...although I guess you can't be both a moving target and a sitting duck, but I really liked the picture. Anyway, Jack must figure out how to protect his own tailfeathers while saving the world from doom and destruction.

Next week, Senator Hodges enters negotiations to change careers and become the Antichrist.