Hour 6: Though Dressed Like a Dandy, That Squirrel Came Through!

See, what did I tell you? Freckle-face didn't kick it!



Here we see her changing into her clean FBI suit. Damn, that girl's got some freckles on her, not to mention some sizable sideburns:



Thanks to Chloe, Bill Buchanan, and this dapper fellow...



BIG RED WAS SAVED!



I have to say, the actors are beginning to show their acting chops.



That Delta Burke can act!



Apparently, after that very intense, emotionally wrought Cabinet meeting, President Taylor took off her blazer. Yikes! But seriously, Cherry Jones pulled off the emotion of that scene quite well.

In the meantime, the scenes with First Gentleman Gerald McCraney were riveting. Now, if he had been wearing THIS outfit...



...or this one...



...methinks he wouldn't have succumbed to the effects of the neuromuscular paralytic! But instead, he was wearing something less protective.



The death of Girlfriend Samantha was quite gruesome and disturbing. I was shocked...



...so it was quite satisfying to see Evil Agent Gedge get his due at the First Gentleman's SUPER MANHANDS!



How suddenly the First Gentleman got his strength back!



Anyone get the idea that Ule Matobo is the Sangalan version of this guy?



Good lord, I miss President Palmer!



I am, however, starting to dig this guy. He needs to go back to his old haircut.



His wife, Alama, has a kickin' pair of these, too!



The one I love the most is CHLOE, the awesomest stay-at-home mom EVER!



Well, I'm pretty much getting back into it. YAY!



Next week, Jack has to save 30,000-head Bumpkin, Tennessee, right in the middle of its Hazardous Waste Fair.



Seems the fireworks get slightly out of hand:

Hour 5: Jack Turns Into MacGyver

"Yes, Tony, didn't you know that if you added soda water to baking soda, baking powder, and cream soda and then stir in some Blue Curacao with a peppermint swizzle stick like so... (sound of tickling glass)



...you'll get a greenish-yellow, non-combustible gas ideal for smoking ambassadors out of panic rooms? It's a good thing."



"OMIGOD, JACK, WAIT! DON'T DO IT!"



Suddenly, Tony dives at Jack, wrestling him to the ground! Hand-to-hand combat ensues!



"GOOD GOD, TONY, WHAT?!" Jack screams!



"DID! YOU! PUT! A! STRAWBERRY! GARNISH! ON! THAT! FROSTY! BEVERAGE?!" Tony screams!



"YES! WHAT?!"



"Recipe calls for a lemon wedge and a whistle swizzle."



"Whew. That was close. That bar-tending class at Quantico was a long time ago!"



Meanwhile back at the FBI (F**K-BUDDIES INTERNATIONAL)...



COME ON! Another twisty, intriguing love triangle? GIMME A BREAK! Why, why, WHY does anyone who works at ANY government agency on 24 have some secret fling going on?! Again?!



A shot from the FBI company picnic. Yes, I believe they're basically buck naked.

I will say that the episode took a pretty good creepy upswing when Bad Agent Guy gave Gerald McCraney a roofie...



...and Jack was told to get rid of Agent Red. Did anyone notice a slight nod to Kiefer's little 1993 movie The Vanishing, where Jeff Bridges puts him in a coffin and buries him alive?



I thought of it immediately when they started burying Big Red...



...in that big baggie.



By the way, I'll wager that RED IS NOT DEAD! RED IS NOT DEAD!



She'll get out of her predicament miraculously and admirably, I'm sure. Some act of God will occur, like some random squirrel...



...will just happen along and try to bury its nuts on her face...



...giving her just enough airflow to regain consciousness, dig herself out with her bare hands, overact, and purge all that laughable "I've got to make it right" crap out of her system.

Finally, Delta Burke did her very best to remind us that she's in a "Don't capitulate/Don't let down the people of Fake Sengala" dilemma...



...by repeatedly spelling it out verbatim to this guy.



Does the woman have any other lines, or are they just showing the same scenes over and over while the actress Cherry Jones recovers from gall bladder surgery?



I found my mind wandering to better things.



Next week, Gerald McCraney blinks his eyes in Morse code to warn his now non-future daughter-in-law: "I'm in mortal danger but am paralyzed, so that's why I'm ignoring you, but if you look deeply, like REALLY deeply into my eyes, you'll see that I'm trying to warn you that there's A BAD GUY RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" Of course, the hard part is blinking in all caps.

Hours 1-4: Like Sands Through the Hourglass, So Are the Lies of Jack's Daze. Or "Hey! You Look Like...Oh, Wait, You Are."

...so, anyway, Tony's back from the dead...



(guess the taco stand was a major wash)



...Jack's a freelance otologist (ear doctor)...



(SO freelance he's forced to use a ballpoint pen to look at Scarface's cochlea)

...and Chloe's bizarro twin is Janeane Garofalo:



Was it too much to ask? I mean, really?



After all this time? After that awful writers' strike...



...gave you reason to write nifty new plots to take the world by surprise!



And yet, here we all sit, reconstituting our plot, once again.



One word: MOLE



Though technically, since Tony wasn't who he said he was, then maybe the mole is a fake mole and since Jack had to break Tony out of CTU, I mean, the FBI, a la every season preceding this one, then maybe Jack can once again depend on Bill's special haircut...



...and Chloe's unstoppable hacking skills...



...to get Jack out of trouble, and then...Oh, forget it!



Don't know about you guys, but it was all too familiar.

At least, we've finally got a woman in the Oval Office: President Delta Burke...





Uncanny!

My favorite thing about President Delta Burke is that she just love, love, LOVES to say exactly what she's thinking so as to give us dunderheaded viewers essential plot points that we already figured out back in the 1970s: "Omigosh, White House Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin, I'm caught in a dilemma! Stand down? Or capitulate?! I ran and won on a platform of non-negotiation with terrorists, and now (cue dramatic 'dunt, dunt, DUUUUHHHHHH!') I find myself perhaps, but perhaps not, needing to... (cue dramatic 'dunt, dunt, DUUUUHHHHHH!') NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS! Get my husband, Gerald McCraney in here, and let's put our heads together!"



Not appalled by this season opener, but not overjoyed, either. Where's Wayne Palmer when you need him?!



(apparently working at Sam Goody's)

Well, we'll see what the season has to offer. I'm sure there's more to come from First Gentleman, Gerald McCraney...



...and that crazy redheaded step-agent, Renee Walker!



Stay tuned next week when the President meets with the Joint Chiefs of Staff!



Oh, look! There's former First Lady Martha Logan, possessor of these massive beauties!