Hours 1-4: Like Sands Through the Hourglass, So Are the Lies of Jack's Daze. Or "Hey! You Look Like...Oh, Wait, You Are."

...so, anyway, Tony's back from the dead...



(guess the taco stand was a major wash)



...Jack's a freelance otologist (ear doctor)...



(SO freelance he's forced to use a ballpoint pen to look at Scarface's cochlea)

...and Chloe's bizarro twin is Janeane Garofalo:



Was it too much to ask? I mean, really?



After all this time? After that awful writers' strike...



...gave you reason to write nifty new plots to take the world by surprise!



And yet, here we all sit, reconstituting our plot, once again.



One word: MOLE



Though technically, since Tony wasn't who he said he was, then maybe the mole is a fake mole and since Jack had to break Tony out of CTU, I mean, the FBI, a la every season preceding this one, then maybe Jack can once again depend on Bill's special haircut...



...and Chloe's unstoppable hacking skills...



...to get Jack out of trouble, and then...Oh, forget it!



Don't know about you guys, but it was all too familiar.

At least, we've finally got a woman in the Oval Office: President Delta Burke...





Uncanny!

My favorite thing about President Delta Burke is that she just love, love, LOVES to say exactly what she's thinking so as to give us dunderheaded viewers essential plot points that we already figured out back in the 1970s: "Omigosh, White House Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin, I'm caught in a dilemma! Stand down? Or capitulate?! I ran and won on a platform of non-negotiation with terrorists, and now (cue dramatic 'dunt, dunt, DUUUUHHHHHH!') I find myself perhaps, but perhaps not, needing to... (cue dramatic 'dunt, dunt, DUUUUHHHHHH!') NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS! Get my husband, Gerald McCraney in here, and let's put our heads together!"



Not appalled by this season opener, but not overjoyed, either. Where's Wayne Palmer when you need him?!



(apparently working at Sam Goody's)

Well, we'll see what the season has to offer. I'm sure there's more to come from First Gentleman, Gerald McCraney...



...and that crazy redheaded step-agent, Renee Walker!



Stay tuned next week when the President meets with the Joint Chiefs of Staff!



Oh, look! There's former First Lady Martha Logan, possessor of these massive beauties!